When I think back to a year or two ago, I wonder what had fucking happen to create this animosity between my parents and I. I do not recall doing anything so atrocious that I deserved the way that they treat me. Now, there is just a chasm between us. There really isn’t anything we can do to patch shit up. My parents flip out for the littlest shit. I’m not trying to exaggerate. Last night, my mom was yelling at me for not sleeping at 3 am. The shit she had said was so unnecessary. It’s not like I raped, pillaged, and plundered a fucking village. She made it sound like I was the the vilest, most despicable piece of shit she has ever met. I just don’t understand why the fuck she blows shit out of proportion like that. The relationship between my dad and I is just irreparable. My bitterness towards him stems when way back when I was a kid. I just don’t wanna fuck shit up between my mom. I have been doing the wishes, cleaning the house, not going out past 10, and trying my fucking best to please her. But all I get is her fucking suspicion. It kills me to know that I can’t do shit to repair the relationship between my parents and I.
I am comfortable with living in the US. I am not particularly content with my current living situation, but I appreciate everything that I have. I have already considered the shitty apartment that I live in my home. To be honest, I never really thought my apartment was that bad until my parents mentioned it. My parents loathe their days in the US. To them, the US isn’t their home because their hearts belong with their homeland. They feel like foreigners in this land which has done nothing more than treat them as expendables. I have never really dealt with any racial slurs against me except for some light-hearted mockery by my friends, but my parents have dealt with it as long as they have been in the US. They have a limited social circle because they are so concerned with being able to (barely) sustain a living. They feel as if they are outdated and that our financial situation only handicaps their ability to assimilate into society. They have wanted to leave the US for so long, but have yet to decide because they know I have already established permanent sentimental connections here. The US is the only home that I have known; I don’t know how I would be able to leave my home to go to a foreign land that my parents consider their “home.”
Time is just trickling away so fast. I always feel as if I don’t have enough time, but what it really comes down to is how I manage that time. I never have the motivation to do anything. The most I am willing to do is to surf the internet all day and watch TV. Besides that, I really don’t know what to do with myself. I need to get my shit together. I’m as immature as ever and my priorities are fucked up. With my “credentials”, I expect to get a minimum wage job that I can barely scrap by with. I’m not trying to be pessimistic, I’m just being realistic. Life is full of shit that’s waiting to fuck me in the ass and I am too ill-equipped to deal with it. I have yet to learn to seize my opportunities, manage my time, and grow the fuck up.
Lisa: There are too many buttons in the world. Too many buttons, and they’re just… There’s way too many, begging to be pressed. They’re just begging to be pressed! And it makes me wonder. It makes me fucking wonder. Why doesn’t anybody ever press mine? Why am I so neglected? Why doesn’t anybody reach in and rip out the truth and tell me that I’m a fucking whore and that my parents wish I were dead?
Susanna: Because you’re dead already, Lisa! No one cares if you die, Lisa… because you’re dead already. Your heart is cold! That’s why you keep coming back here. You’re not free. You need this place. You need it to feel alive. It’s pathetic. I’ve wasted a year of my life. And maybe everyone out there is a Liar. And maybe the whole world is stupid and ignorant. But I’d rather be in it. I’d rather be fucking in it… than down here with you.
